Using writing, and meditation, and ice cream, and reading, and dreams,

and a whole lot of other tools to rediscover who I am,

after six years living with a man with OCPD.

About Me

She's gotten damaged in places -
you can see where she broke,
the seams and cracks.  Much like me.
Still, she's giving forth and sharing,
an idea/goal I really like.
So, who am I, and why am I blogging about any of this stuff?
Disclaimer - I'm not a shrink, nor do I claim to be.  Just another wounded soul who inadvertently fell into a relationship with somebody who's (undiagnosed, as most of them are) Obsessive-Compulsive Personality Disorder, or OCPD.  After figuring that out, I did my best to educate myself about the condition, in hopes of saving our relationship and my sanity.

He's a hoarder, too, though his hoard is not yet "goat paths" bad.

Although I consider that I have the perfect right to blog about my life, and the many ways this mental disorder, and yes, verbal and emotional abuse, have impacted my life, I know my ex b-f would be very hurt, possibly even infuriated, by my "outing" him.  Like far too many people, he has a very low opinion of "crazy people" and those in relationships with the mentally ill.

So, I'm mostly seeking to protect his privacy, to save him hurt or embarrassment. 

Also, on two occasions, my ex b-f became physically violent.  On several others, he threatened to shoot me.   While I consider his threats mostly bluff, I cannot say with 100% certainty that if he felt driven "too far," he might not take things to that level.  He owns a generous stockpile of weapons and ammunition, and we don't live that far apart.  And when drinking, which he does, I suspect, as a form of self-medication, he becomes... unpredictable.

I started using the pseudonym "Perfectly Awful, to reflect the pain that seeking perfection causes everyone involved. Then someone elsewhere dubbed me "The Writing Goddess" pseudonym, and I liked the idea of using a name that was more positive and powerful (if also a bit on the pretentious side).

So, although it wouldn't be hard for you to dig up my name and his and to "out" me here, I ask if you would please refrain, both as a kindness to my ex-bf, and for the sake of my safety. 

With that in mind, why am I even blogging at all?  Why not just write a private journal, if I need to "get it all out" via writing?

Because too many people, including me, had never even heard of OCPD, or other Personality Disorders.  Because too few people talk openly about any form of mental illness.  And because people with Personality Disorders are considered "highly functional," it takes many of us in a relationship with a Disordered person years to reach that light bulb moment.

Even if I am still stumbling along with a flashlight on this journey, I want to hold it up high enough to shine some light on the path for others, too.  To let others know that they are not crazy, lazy, stupid or slobs, even if their OCPD SO has told them that twenty times a day for years, and that they are not alone.

I don't want to blame those with OCPD, either.  Their lives are even more "perfectly awful" than those they may be trying to "fix" and perfect.  This disorder is the bad guy, and I would love for all impacted by it to focus on joining forces and fighting OCPD together, instead of treating one another as the enemy.  All too often, that's how things turn out, with much bitterness on the parts of all involved.

The tragedy is, I know my ex b-f truly loved me as much as he has ever loved anyone in his whole life.  Yet when it came to a choice between:

LOVE: Keeping our relationship, and accepting professional help
FEAR: Keeping his hoard and his "independence, and watching me walk out the door

He chose fear.  Which many months later, still makes me cry.

You may e-mail me, if you like, at : perfectlyawfulusa(at)gmail(dot)com.

Here's one of many paths I've taken - a hard haul,
but what a view from the top!