Using writing, and meditation, and ice cream, and reading, and dreams,

and a whole lot of other tools to rediscover who I am,

after six years living with a man with OCPD.

Sunday, August 9, 2015

Popping in to Blow You a KIss

English: Angel throwing a kiss Italiano: Un an...
English: Angel throwing a kiss Italiano: Un angelo che getta un bacio (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

No, I haven't blogged here in a very long time. #sorrynotsorry

Once upon a time, I would have felt terribly guilty about this. But I have gotten sooooo much better about my boundaries, about putting myself first and being loving to myself, that I actually don't feel more than a twinge or two.

Last fall, I actually began dating again. 4+ years after moving away from my ocpd ex, 3 1/2+ years after our official split.

Yes, it did take me that long for me to heal. YYMV.

I also had to come to terms with my body image issues. How could I date, when I was so damn fat?!?

A lover turned friend turned lover turned - lets just says there've been lots of blurred lines. Anyway, he inspired me to truly think of myself as sexy again, EVEN THOUGH I was heavy.

I thought deeply about how often we delay loving ourselves - because of some perceived flaw. I will do XYZ, I will buy myself ABC, I will travel to DEF - all tied to some future thing - when I retire, when I am thin enough, when I have completed GHI.

Decided that, in fact, I was worthy of being loved RIGHT NOW, just as I was. To stop procrastinating on the self-love.

So I got out there on OKCupid, and to my surprise and delight, there were plenty of men (of all ages) interested in a chubby menopausal woman with commitment issues.

I also found much help and support in the Sex Positive World. Real life exercises in saying no, in saying no and negotiating for something else. In checking in with myself and deciding 1) Yes, I really do want this, or 2) Not feelin' it.

Learning to say yes or no to EVERY kind of physical touch, from kisses and hugs to just a touch on the arm, has been super-empowering.

And then.... breast cancer happened. Luckily for me, super-early detected, super slow growing, I think my cure rate (not remission rate, but CURE rate) is something like 98-100%.

However, dealing with even early stage breast cancer is like a second job all by itself, all kinds of appointments and tests and treatments and follow-up appointments.

As I post this, I've gone through 1) mammogram, 2) biopsy, 3) genetic testing, 4) MRI, 5) Pre-op testing, 6) Lumpectomy, 7) Pap smear.... and I am currently at the front end of six weeks radiation treatment, with hormone-blocking treatment to follow.

Oh, and I got my eyes checked, too.

I did tell my ocpd ex about me dating again, months ago, and his reaction was... not upset. He seemed genuinely glad for me. I never expected that (and I am still getting major "I love and miss you's" with every convo, so I keep them short and spread far apart), but am glad he seems to accept that.

The ductal tumor they found was very deep, .7cm long, .4cm wide. Wouldn't have found it until it was quite well established, so don't skip your mammograms, ladies!

My ex is upset about the breast cancer, and I am SO GLAD I am no longer under the same roof as him. I believe the constant tension and conflicts would be enough of a drain on my spirits and body that I would become one of the 1% who manage to escape life die from this.

While there's no way to tell for certain when my cancer began, best estimates are 6-10 years ago. When I was with my ex - though I'm not saying "my ex gave me cancer!" But it is highly likely, IMO, that the stress and constant tension impaired my immune system, so it didn't catch and destroy the cancer cells when there were only a few of them.

I do know that living in stressful situations can make you gain - or lose weight, develop high blood pressure, and have many other bad effects on our health.

But for now, though I am heavy, I am also pretty healthy, apart from the BC. Good blood pressure, decent cholesterol levels.strong, good energy, all parts more or less work. Some work great [naughty smile here].

I feel... FABULOUS. Loved and supported and getting healthier and truly blessed.

In honesty... my boob hurts, despite frequent reapplication of boob cream. I'm not looking forward to give more weeks of radiation, when it's this tender already. Though maybe it will toughen up...? (If my hope is misplaced, don't tell me - let me live the dream!)

Still, emotionally, I feel good, happy, upbeat. Loved by the world, and oddly enough, by myself. One of my new boyfriends (yes, there's more than one) calls me "Sunshine."

I will check back here periodically, but not sure how often it'll be. Between BC and BF's (boyfriends), I expect to be pretty busy the next several months.

My heart still goes out to all of you battling ocpd, as people with it, as people who love someone with it. I hope with every fiber of my body that we find a cure or treatment for it. Too many wonderful people are damaged by it.    {{{{{hugs}}}}}